Doris Herringshaw
Extension Agent,
Family and Consumer Sciences, Wood County
In some families, employment of a partner requires traveling or taking a position away from the primary family residence. It is important that parents explain what is going to happen before they leave the household for any extended time. Even a simple explanation can be difficult for a child to understand.
Each child reacts a little differently in a stressful situation. It depends on age, temperament, and personality. A child may be shy or clingy, have a temper tantrum, or revert to childlike behavior. A young child may not be convinced that you are the adult they know. One common reaction by children is to ignore the returning parent but gradually warm up to them.
Knowing the social and emotional developmental stages of children at different ages can help a parent better understand a child's reaction and deal appropriately with the situation.
Infants fuss, cry, and pull away from the returning parent. Even a short absence can cause the child not to recognize the returning parent. For that reason, a child may cling to the adult that has always been present and treat the other person as a stranger.
The parent can slowly regain the child's confidence. Talk to him or her and perhaps the child will recognize your voice. Repeat the actions you perform when you are at home and the child will gradually remember you. Be patient.
Toddlers and preschoolers play independently around other children and play contentedly alone if near an adult. When an adult returns they may demand personal attention and want to be with that person constantly. Children at this age like to help adults and have conversations with them and be praised. The child wants to feel independent.
Toddlers may feel guilty for making the parent go away. They may experience separation anxiety. A child may play games with the returning adult by offering the adult a toy and then failing to release it. Toddlers and preschoolers will whine and be fussy. Even at this age the returning parent may have to prove he or she is really the parent.
Older children may revert to childlike behavior. Children may test both parents to the limits and demand more attention than usual.
These children may dread the return of the absent parent. They know things are different when the adult returns. They know that they will lose attention. A reaction may be the child demanding lots of attention. Elementary school children may complain of stomach cramps and headaches in response to an adult returning. Children in early elementary school may be shy or may act out their anger. They may be competitive, blaming, and moody, or they may talk a lot to gain approval and attention.
Preteens are very social and prefer to spend time with their friends. They learn acceptable behavior patterns and consequences through their peer relationships. Preteens find mothers all-important in life but begin to pull away from parents and show interest in friends as they get older.
These children need lots of reminders and usually have not developed a good concept of time. They are impatient. They will begin to challenge the rules and limits set by adults. They may be very bossy. They are interested in team activities and are competitive. They strive for unreasonable independence but may crave periods alone. They may not want anything to do with the returning parent, or they may challenge the parent to the limits, or they may talk constantly to gain approval.
Teenagers may be concerned about new responsibilities and rules when the parent returns home. They may refrain from communicating with adults or challenge adults' knowledge. Some teens crave to be alone. They want to be independent and resent being told what to do. These children may become excited about the returning adult. Many teens set self-imposed standards that cannot be lived up to. They tend to misdirect anger, which could cause trouble in school or the community.
Knowing some of the expected behaviors will help you through those first few awkward moments that may occur when an absent adult returns home. The child probably wonders how those first few moments will be as much as the returning adult.
Positive Parenting Newsletter. November/December 1996. Vol. 2, Issue 2.
How does your child grow and learn? Missouri Department of Education. Reprinted for Ohio State Department of Education. 1983.
Oliver, Kathy, and Mims, Kathryn. (1993). Middle Childhood - 8 to 11 years old. Ohio State University Extension.
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