Ohio State University Extension Fact Sheet

Family and Consumer Sciences

1787 Neil Avenue, Columbus, Ohio 43210-1295

Resolving Conflict Constructively and Respectfully

Home and Away Series

HYG-5196-98

Joyce Fittro
Extension Agent
Family and Consumer Sciences, Delaware County

Conflict is a natural part of life brought on by our different beliefs, experiences, and values. If not managed carefully, however, the rough edges of conflict can harm relationships. Taking time out of our busy schedules is essential to talk things through. If we are separated by distance or working different hours, it becomes more challenging, but crucial to the health of our relationships.

1. Treat the other person with respect.
   It's challenging to show respect when there's a conflict, but we must try. Words of disrespect block communication and may create wounds that may never heal. Use your willpower to treat the other person as a person of worth and as an equal.

2. Confront the problem.
   Find a time and a place to talk over the conflict with the other person. Choose a time when you aren't arguing or angry. The place should be comfortable for both of you - away from either party's turf. Ask yourself, is this the best time to have this conversation.

3. Define the conflict.
   • Describe the conflict in clear, concrete terms. Be specific when answering the why, what, when, where, who.
   • Describe behavior, feelings, consequences, and desired changes. Be specific and start sentences with "I," not "You."
   • Focus on behaviors or problems, not on people.
   • Define the conflict as a problem for both of you to solve together, not a battle to be won.

4. Communicate understanding and changes in beliefs or feelings.
   • Listen to really understand the other person's feelings, needs, and so forth.
   • Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
   • Step back and try to imagine how the other person sees things.
   • Explain how you see the problem after you have talked about it. Tell about any changes you have made in the way you see things, what you believe, or how you feel.

5. Explore alternative solutions.
   • Take turns offering alternative solutions. List them all.
   • Be nonjudgmental of other's ideas.
   • Examine consequences of each solution.
   • Think and talk positively.

6. Reach agreement on the most workable solution.
   • Agree to a solution you both understand and can live with.
   • Work to find a "win-win" solution.
   • Be committed to resolving the conflict.

7. Evaluate after time.
   • Work out a way to check on how well the solution is working. Adjust when necessary.

Source

Resolving Conflict. Family Community Leadership Project, Washington State University Cooperative Extension.