Ohio State University Extension Fact Sheet

Family and Consumer Sciences

1787 Neil Avenue, Columbus, Ohio 43210-1295

Keeping It Together When Distance Keeps You Apart

Home and Away Series

HYG-5194-98

Melinda J. Hill,
Extension Agent
Family and Consumer Sciences, Wayne County

Many families find themselves being separated by distance at some point in their lives. Job requirements, further education, career changes, military assignment, and other situations arise where one person in the family needs to leave temporarily.

In their book, Side by Side Strategies: How Two-Career Couples Can Thrive in the Nineties, Jane Cuozzo and Diane Graham indicate that the average nontraveling couple spends fewer than 12 minutes a day conversing. Travel can actually improve a family's communication if they make that special effort. Daily communication is the process by which all family members can convey their feelings, attitudes, facts, beliefs, and ideas through what they say and by what they show in their behavior. Spending time apart can make the time together more valuable if communication channels remain open.

Coping Strategies

Here are strategies shared in a recent survey conducted nationwide with people living this lifestyle regularly:

Personal Strategies

• Use a video camera or cassette recorder to record all the week's events.
• Post laminated photocopied maps and use markers to track travel reports.
• Do not change discipline during the person's absence or upon return. Make a special effort to stand together on how situations are handled.
• Use a calendar to write daily events to share on the phone and mark days off until the parent will return home.
• Avoid whining or arguing on the phone.
• Never let your partner leave home or end a phone call mad or upset.
• The first six months to a year are the hardest. Think positive and give yourself time to adjust.
• Channel energy from worry into productive efforts like volunteering or pursuing further education.
• Maintain your physical health by focusing on healthy habits, such as walking or other types of exercise.

Family Strategies

• Make major decisions together.
• Be prepared to handle situations as they arise. Decide on emergency procedures before the family member goes on the road. Think through the problem. Ask yourself if it is something you can fix. If you can fix it, do so; if not, call a repair person. Don't sit around and worry about the problem or wait until your partner comes home to fix it. Mark where the power, gas, and water shut-off valves are. Obtain a power of attorney. Go through budget and investment training together.
• Set up times to call. Keep in touch three to five times a week. Make a list of items that need to be discussed. Make a master list of phone numbers for your partner to have - family, friends, neighbors, schools, bank, and local flower shop. Consider getting a 1-800 number to save money on phone bills.
• Have enough clothes for two cycles of travel; you won't waste weekend time doing laundry.
• Continue the children's routine. Don't stop your life because the other person is gone.
• Have activities for yourself and the children to do during the other parent's absence.
• Develop rituals for leaving and returning home.
• Remember that both partners need to prepare mentally and emotionally prior to being together after all those days apart. Plan ahead for the homecoming so that expectations are met.
• Understand that both of you are contributing to the success of your family. Be openly thankful and accepting of thanks. Neither of you can make it happen without the other one doing their job.
• When at home, family should come first. Make it a point to spend time together.
• Have mutual respect for the person left at home and for the traveler.

Outside Support

• Form outside support with family, friends, church, and spiritual faith.
• Don't be afraid to ask for help, especially from those who have been through it.
• Love and trust each other.
• Decrease isolation by involving family with outside support systems.

Self-led support groups were found to be very successful. Partners who have successfully adapted to the lifestyle of work-induced separation and reunion share strategies they have found successful. The support groups focus on personal growth with a strong educational component for teaching coping skills. Additional topics to include might be coping with loneliness, lack of companionship, making decisions alone, lack of social outlets, discipline problems, and financial concerns.

Another suggestion was to take at least one trip, if possible, with the traveling spouse to see exactly how stressful his or her job is. Having an understanding and appreciation of what each person does during the separation is very helpful in adapting to ongoing separations and reunions.

References

Black, W. (1993). Military induced family separations: A stress reduction intervention. Social Work, 38(3), 273-280.

Figley, C. R. (1993). Coping with stressors on the home front. Journal of Social Issues, 49(4), 51-71.

Hill, M., Hudson, N., Lantz, B., and Griffin, G. (1997). Commercial Vehicle Driver Associate Family Issues Assessment. Upper Great Plains Transportation Institute, Publication Number 115.

McKenry, P., and Price, S. (Eds). (1994). Families and change: Coping with stressful events. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.

Riggs, B. (1990). Routine work-related absence: The effects on families. Marriage and Family Review, 15(3-4), 147-160.

Thomas, A. (1991). American nomads: The effects of frequent mobility and paternal absence on military dependents. Unpublished master's thesis, Louisiana Scholars College, Louisiana.