Joyce A. Shriner
Children of all ages are affected by a loss of a significant person in their lives. Izetta Smith from The Dougy Center has written, "We have seen that all children-as young as preschoolers, toddlers, and even infants-grieve the loss of a loved one" (1991, p. 170).
Most researchers believe that children, during the first years of life, have little or no understanding of death. Toddlers soon learn, however, that some things do not return; they are, "all-gone" (Grollman, 1967, p. 96).
Three- to five-year-olds "regard death as temporary and life-death as alternating states" (Grollman, 1967, p. 98). Cartoons on television and older children telling ghost stories help to reinforce their ideas.
Preschoolers tend to assume that they will not die. They believe that death is accidental rather than inevitable (Grollman, 1967, p. 100). Specific circumstances, such as being involved in accidents, becoming elderly, or going to the hospital are believed to cause death. These children try "to isolate those phenomena, which 'mean' or 'cause' death" (Grollman, 1967, p. 101).
After five years of age, children gradually understand "that death is final, inevitable, universal, and personal" (Grollman, 1967, p. 101).
Most ten-year-olds understand that death is an irreversible and inescapable part of life.
When talking about death with a child, parents should explain that death means that life stops, the deceased cannot return, and the body is buried. They should also explain their religious beliefs concerning these matters. Anything less simple and explicit often causes confusion and misinterpretation. Covering death over with fiction or half-truths may increase children's fears in the future and lead to mistrust of family members. However, children's fears may be lessened when the death discussion is focused not on morbid details but on the beauty of life.
The death of a parent is a traumatic loss in a child's life. Different children cope in different ways. Possible reactions and children's statements that may or may not appear include:
If parents are concerned about how their children are reacting, they should consult a pediatrician or professional counselor.
Social support of children is crucial following the death of a loved one. In coping with his or her own grief, the surviving parent may have difficulty providing emotional support and physical nurturing to his or her children when they need it most.
Many community resources are available to help families. Ministers, priests, or rabbis can help families with spiritual concerns. School guidance counselors and teachers should know of resources to help children. Support groups may also be available within schools or communities. Librarians can suggest quality books for parents to read alone or with their children. Many hospice organizations also have excellent reading materials.
Although no two individuals will have identical experiences, research provides clues to reactions that might be expected. The best advice for parents is to live with children during the good times in such a way that when difficult times come, the family will be able to withstand the upheaval.
Grollman, E. A. (Ed.). (1967). Explaining death to children. Boston: Beacon Press.
Grollman, E. A. (1990). Talking about death. Boston: Beacon Press.
Smith, I. (1991). "Preschool children 'play' out their grief," Death studies, 15: 169-176.
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