Lisa Gorman
The qualities of the relationship between a husband and wife affect their children's cognitive and social competence. Some psychologists believe that the marital relationship provides the primary physical, emotional, and physical support for parents. As a result, the relationship that exists in the marital relationship affects the couple's parenting behaviors, which in turn impacts the adjustment of the children. For example, studies have shown that a harmonious marriage relationship promotes competence and maturity in their children. Other studies have demonstrated that marital conflict may result in cognitive delay, school difficulties, and antisocial or withdrawn behavior.
Couples who are satisfied in the marriage relationship are more likely to agree about expectations for their children. This provides consistent expectations to the children. In addition, children learn about attachment, love, and security from their early care givers. Parents who model positive relationship behavior contribute to the their children's attitudes toward intimate relationships and long-term relationship stability.
Couples who do not feel supported in the marital relationship may have lower self-esteem and interact differently with their children than their counterparts who have warm, responsive relationships. This seems to hold true regardless of whether a family's oldest child is preschool age or in the nine to 13-year-old range.
Spouses can support each other in several ways:
Spouses can act as potential reservoirs for love and affection, providing both comfort and emotional security for one another. Often self-esteem is bolstered and a sense of efficacy exists.
It is no secret that child-rearing can be very demanding. However, spouses can provide important tangible assistance for one another. Sharing household chores, child care, work-related tasks, family and friendship obligations, and community responsibilities reduces individual stress loads and provides mutual support.
Marital partners can be important sources of information, advice, and problem-solving strategies for both personal and work-related matters.
Much time and energy have been devoted to helping parents develop specific parenting skills. However, interventions that help parents improve their personal adjustment and the quality of their marriage may prove beneficial for the marriage, the parent-child relationship, and the child's development.
Developing family rituals provides meaning for family interactions and helps clarify roles and responsibilities within the family. Family rituals can be anything from religious observances, such as a child's first communion, to daily interactions, such as how family members greet one another when someone returns home. Creating and maintaining family rituals on a daily basis is an important part of family life.
Plan leisure activities as a couple that offer plenty of opportunities for communication. The old saying, "The family that plays together, stays together," may be partially true. However, research has indicated marital satisfaction is more closely related to good communication during leisure activities.
Plan time alone where talk about the children and work are off limits. Going on a date doesn't have to cost a lot of money. In fact, it could be as simple as planning a midnight stroll while the children are staying over with friends or relatives. Some frugal couples swap baby-sitting on date night with the parents of their children's playmates.
Many people want nothing more than the person they care most about to really listen to them. Give your partner focused attention so he or she knows his or her comments are top priority. Listen with an attitude of acceptance and willingness to understand. Listen with an attitude that seeks clarification. You may need to ask questions or paraphrase to be assured you have the correct meaning of the message being sent.
A satisfying marriage relationship grows best when a couple nurtures sexual intimacy. The sexual relationship can flourish when the couple creates companionship, makes a lasting commitment, and deepens their passion for one another.
Inevitably, even the best marriages face conflict. When one spouse has been offended by the other, rather than letting a wall go up between the two of them, they must confront the conflict. Usually, resolving conflict requires both seeking forgiveness and granting forgiveness. The final process is working toward reconciliation and rebuilding trust with your partner.
Parents who are concerned about the cognitive and social development of their children can devote their first energies to developing a strong marriage relationship.
Family Life Marriage Conference, (1995), Detroit, Michigan, November 10-12.
Fiese, Barbara H. & Karen A. Hooker, (1993), "Family Rituals in the Early Stages of Parenthood," Journal of Marriage & the Family, Vol. 55, No. 3, August.
Goldberg, Wendy A., (1990), "Marital Quality, Parental Personality, and Spousal Agreement about Perceptions and Expectations for Children," Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, Vol. 36, No. 4, October.
Holman, Thomas B. & Mary Jacquart, (1988), "Leisure-Activity Patterns and Marital Satisfaction: A Further Test," Journal of Marriage & the Family, Vol. 50, No. 1. February.
Inman-Amos, Jill & Susan S. Hendrick, (1994), "Love Attitudes: Similarities Between Parents and Between Parents and Children," Family Relations, Vol. 43, October.
Miller, Nancy B. & Philip A. Cowan, (1993), "Externalizing in Preschoolers and Early Adolescents: A Cross-Study Replication of a Family Model," Developmental Psychology, Vol. 29, No. 1.
All educational programs conducted by Ohio State University Extension are available to clientele on a nondiscriminatory basis without regard to race, color, creed, religion, sexual orientation, national origin, gender, age, disability or Vietnam-era veteran status.
Keith L. Smith, Associate Vice President for Ag. Adm. and Director, OSU Extension.
TDD No. 800-589-8292 (Ohio only) or 614-292-1868