Family Life Month Packet 2002

Family and Consumer Sciences

Campbell Hall 1787 Neil Avenue Columbus, Ohio 43210

Raising Children with Character

FLM-FS-6-02

Melinda J. Hill, M.Ed., CFCS, CFLE,
Family and Consumer Sciences Agent, Wayne County,
Ohio State University Extension, The Ohio State University

What Are We as Parents to Do?

• Stephen Covey in his book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, suggests that we have to first be true to ourselves and know what things are important to us. Then it becomes our responsibility to model our principles by integrating our values and priorities into everyday life. According to Covey, "If we do not teach our children, society will. And they, and we, will live with the results."
• Peter L. Benson, author of What Kids Need to Succeed, suggests that parents identify and build their children's strengths. After conducting nationwide research for more than 10 years, he reasons that there are internal and external qualities, or "assets," that individuals possess that lead to their success in life. One of the listed assets is Positive Values, which includes: caring, equality and social justice, integrity, honesty, responsibility, and restraint.
• In their book Teaching Your Children Values authors Linda and Richard Eyre present the view that it is for their own happiness that children need values to live by. The values they deem most important are: honesty, courage, peace, self-reliance and potential, self-discipline and moderation, fidelity and chastity, loyalty and dependability, respect, love, unselfishness and sensitivity, kindness and friendliness, justice and mercy. As parents we set the model for what our children see as important to us. We have the very impressionable pre-school years to share with them through practice.
• Tom Lickona, director of The Center for the 4th and 5th R's, states that "Virtues are objectively good human qualities (good for us whether or not we know it); they have a claim on our personal and collective conscience." They go beyond the religion or the culture we live in; they are part of our existence. Virtues don't change like values do with age; virtues are consistent throughout the ages. Virtues and values are the core of building a person with good character, a person who will do the right thing, and make the right choice, even when the stakes are high or when no one is watching.

No matter what your personal list of values, these authors all agree that the time to begin living them is now. What we hold true in our lives is demonstrated by the everyday examples that we set in our lives. The "little things" are the big things when it comes to developing moral fiber in our children's lives. The way in which we respond to needs, the attitudes we take in accomplishing our chores, the tone of voice we use in answering questions are all essential in character education.

Ways to Reinforce These Traits

Each day offers us countless opportunities to say, act, and live by the characteristics we value in life. The aforementioned authors offer many specific examples of how to live a value-filled life. Here are three other ways to reinforce these traits:

• Spend time together. In order to have conversations and to relate to real life examples, we must have a relationship with our children. This is essential as they grow and leave our boundaries and enter circles where the values and virtues may be different from those they have learned at home. Learn to actively listen, without immediately forming opinions. Let children talk through issues and share their own opinions. Then talk about the differences, if any, between you and your child. Make time to talk, turn off the TV, and play a game or take a walk. Show your children they are a priority in your life.
• Talk about the things that are important to you. If you highly value honesty, talk about why it is important. Use the media, a book, or real life example of someone else's life to share consequences. Take an example from a television show and ask your family, "what would happen in our home if that happened?" Be willing to talk about alternative choices or additional reasoning that children may not have thought about. Take opportunities of daily life to share ethical dilemmas we adults face. Honestly share how we feel and solve the problem. It's also good to review the problem after the fact and look at what we felt good about or what we would do differently the next time. Avoid telling your children what they ought to believe and instead, lead them through a problem solving strategy to help them identify good choices.
• Model the actions you expect from your children. Be careful of your tone of voice and timing of discussions with children. Are you showing them the same respect that you expect from them? Do we ask them to be deceitful on the phone when we don't want to speak to a telemarketer by saying "she's not home?" Our actions will speak louder than our words.

It is important to keep in mind that each day offers many teaching opportunities from their life or ours. Learn to value the time spent in conversation and savor the moments when they come to positive conclusions on their own. Maybe there are areas that you want to make improvements in. Select one, ponder what avenues you want to take, and then work in that one area. Don't try to do too much at once, but take little steps to remain on a positive course. Take advantage of the resources that are listed below for specific examples to reinforce everyday behaviors. Look for words of character at school or other places in your community, and take the opportunity to explain what it means in your family. Raise a child with character, a child who will do the right thing, and make the right choices in the journey of life.

References

Watch your thoughts
  Your thoughts become your words
Watch your words
  Your words become your actions
Watch your actions
  Your actions become your habits
Watch your habits
  Your habits become your character
Watch your character
  Your character becomes your destiny.

Quoted by Tom Lickona, director of the Center for the 4th and 5th Rs Education Department, SUNY Cortland, NY, The Governor's Summit on Character Education (9-26-00)

For a pdf version of this Fact Sheet, please click here.

For more information, visit the Human Development and Family Life website at: http://www.hec.ohio-state.edu/famlife/