Urvia McDowell, Graduate Student, and Ted G. Futris, Ph.D., Family Life Extension Specialist and Assistant Professor, Department of Human Development and Family Science, The Ohio State University
Death is a hard fact of life for adults to come to terms with, but it is especially difficult for children who have not yet grasped a full understanding of death. Few life stressors are more powerful than the death of a parent. Unfortunately, five to six percent of children will experience the death of a parent by the time he or she is sixteen years old.
The losses sustained through the death of a parent are numerous. Among these are the loss of support and a vacancy in the roles that the deceased parent used to fill. Death, though unavoidable is never easy to deal with and children may have the hardest time coming to terms with their parent's death.
Philip Rice (1996) proposes three stages that survivors go through when coping with the death of a loved one.
It is important that parents and caregivers understand that the way children grieve is quite different from the way that adults do. Children may initially be too shocked to show any type of emotion and this is at times misunderstood to mean that they are fine when they really are not. In fact, most children are unable to handle the intense emotions that accompany the death of a parent for long periods of time. This explains why their grief may appear suppressed or periodic. Children who have experienced the loss of a parent typically experience intense grief and sadness, social withdrawal, attention seeking, declines in academic performance, rebellion, anger, guilt, and preoccupation with thoughts about mom or dad.
Hospice Net (www.hospicenet.org) provides some characteristics of how children may view death and their needs at different ages. Here are a few examples:
Most children are able to make a healthy adjustment with support from family members, teachers, and other support systems. There are several things that parents and other adults can do to help children effectively deal with the loss of a parent.
Be open about what has happened to the parent because children have the right to know what circumstances have separated them from their mother or father. Children who have survived the death of a parent often feel that the death was their fault, and may also feel that the parent has chosen not to come back because of something that they have done. Clarify the cause of death and help them to understand that the death is not their fault. Children may not understand the permanent nature of death because they have an immature concept of death. Try to avoid the "death is like sleep" or "they're in a better place now" explanations. They often make the child fearful of sleep or encourage them to want to go to that "better place." Instead, explain to them that when a person dies, they do not come back and that we may miss them from time to time.
Because death and grief are uncomfortable subjects this opportunity is often denied and children's recovery from loss may be more difficult and prolonged. Many adults are not comfortable with a sorrowful child and many deny the fact that children do grieve. It may be hard to answer questions about the death of a mate or spouse while still dealing with a sense of loss, but it is important to address the topic when children bring it up. Extended family members, teachers, and neighbors may be helpful in allowing children to talk about their feelings honestly and openly without offending a grieving parent. Lending children an ear helps them to express their feelings and validates their current emotions. Keeping it all inside will not help him or her to heal. Try to find brief answers that address their questions.
Allowing children to attend and take part in funeral services provides an avenue for closure. Children may never have attended a funeral service so explain the circumstances surrounding funeral rites that are common to the culture or community. Be sure to explain the wake, the funeral, and the burial ceremony beforehand.
The child's teacher and the parents of his or her friends should know what has happened so that they will understand the marked changes in the child's behavior and provide the support needed when a parent is unavailable.
Provide a sense of security for children by maintaining daily routines and predictable patterns that they know they can trust. They also need to know that their basic needs will be met.
Grief is a personal emotion that is expressed by different people in different ways. The death of a parent creates considerable stress and tension that may take a while to go away. The most important support you can provide for your child includes providing emotional support, listening to one another, and crying together. Talk about your feelings with your children and remember to validate theirs.
Adams, D.W. (1995). Helping children and adolescents cope with death and bereavement. Baywood Publishing Company.
Doka, K.J. (1995). Children mourning, mourning children. Hospice Foundation of America.
Dowdney, L. (2000). Childhood bereavement following parental death. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry and Allied Disciplines, 41, 819-830.
Fitzgerald, H. (1992). The grieving child: A parents guide. Simon & Schuster.
Hospice Net: www.hospicenet.org
Mahon, M.M. (1999). Secondary losses in bereaved children when both parents have died: A case study. Omega, 39, 297-314.
Raveis, V.H., Seigel, K., & Karus, D. (1999). Children's psychological distress following the death of a parent. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 28, 165-180.
Rice, P.F. (1996). Intimate Relationships, Marriages, and Families. Mountain View, California: Mayfield Publishing Company.
Worden, W.J. (1996). Children and grief: When a parent dies. Guilford Press.
For more information, visit the Human Development and Family Life website at: http://www.hec.ohio-state.edu/famlife/
Click here for the PDF version of this fact sheet.
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