Laura M. Stanton, M.S., CFLE, Family and Consumer Sciences and Community Development Agent, Butler County, Ohio State University Extension, The Ohio State University
Research suggests that American parents are letting go of their children too soon and are making themselves less available to their children as they grow older. This perspective is evident in this mother's comments about her adolescent:
"I sure worry about him. I know he is facing a lot of difficult choices in his life. The peer pressure is amazing. But, I know that I have to sit back and watch. He needs to make his own decisions. I only hope I have done my best to help him through this phase."
On one hand, this mother is demonstrating a great deal of control in her parenting. She acknowledges the struggles and difficulties that are common in adolescence. However, she has seriously undermined herself and the powerful role that she could still be playing in her son's life.
At this time in their life, teens need their parents to play an active role. Because parents are afraid of interfering with their teen's life, they often take a hands-off approach that leaves youth with less direction and guidance. Ironically, it is at this time when youth need their parents' support. What can parents of teenagers do to overcome the tendency to let go too soon?
Popular culture often depicts the teen years as a time of rebellion and conflict. As such, we often spend time worrying about our children. Instead, we need to spend time protecting our children. We should take the time to engage in family activities, talk to our teens, and be actively involved in their lives. This type of active parenting will be more productive and rewarding than merely worrying.
We are often home with our teens and therefore believe we are always available to them. But are we really? How often do we approach our teens and make ourselves truly available, without the television, radio, computer, or newspaper distracting us? It is important to make daily attempts to be focused on our teens. One suggestion is to schedule weekly "dates" with teens in order to get out of the house and away from distractions. If teens don't feel like they have their parent's full attention, it is easier for them to isolate themselves. By giving our full, undivided attention, we send a strong message that we care about our teens and that we are willing to make our relationship a priority.
If we want our teens to read and perform well in school, we need to make sure our behaviors support the intended goal. How can we tell our teens to read, if they never see their mom or dad pick up a book? The best way to facilitate these issues is for us to model the behavior we wish to see and work together with our teens. For example, if your teen is struggling with school, you can make arrangements with your teen to go to the library together. This does not mean that we should do the work for our teens. Instead, we should model the desire to learn and, at the same time, demonstrate support for our teens.
Obviously, being involved in the life of a teen is different than being involved in the life of a younger child. The key is making sure that we are not inadvertently neglecting our teen's need for guidance and support in an effort to appear less controlling.
As parents, we have the ability and responsibility to counter the trend of letting go too soon. We play a significant role in developing assets in our children and we need to continue our work into adolescence. By taking an active and positive approach to parenting, we can bring out the best in our teenagers. We can nurture the behaviors that we expect and desire, while developing the assets and values that will help our teens through the challenging adolescent years and beyond.
Benson, P.L., Galbraith, J., & Espeland, P. (1998). What kids need to succeed: Proven, practical ways to raise good kids. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing.
Benson, P.L., Galbraith, J., & Espeland, P. (1998). What teens need to succeed: Proven, practical ways to shape your own future. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing.
Espeland, P. (2001). Succeed every day: Daily readings for teens. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing.
For more information, visit the Human Development and Family Life website at: http://www.hec.ohio-state.edu/famlife/
Click here for the PDF version of this fact sheet.
All educational programs conducted by Ohio State University Extension are available to clientele on a nondiscriminatory basis without regard to race, color, creed, religion, sexual orientation, national origin, gender, age, disability or Vietnam-era veteran status.
Keith L. Smith, Associate Vice President for Ag. Adm. and Director, OSU Extension.
TDD No. 800-589-8292 (Ohio only) or 614-292-1868