Ohio State University Extension

Family Life Month Packet 2001

Family and Consumer Sciences

Human Development and Family Science

Fact Sheet

FLM-FS-2-01

After You Say "I Do:" Adjusting to Marriage

Shannon L. Carter, M.S., Family and Consumer Sciences Agent, Fairfield County, Ohio State University Extension, The Ohio State University

Who is this person I married? Who am I becoming in this relationship? Is marriage supposed to be this hard? If you find yourself asking these questions, you're not alone. All married couples go through periods of adjustment. Adjusting to marriage involves uniting two sets of perceptions, expectations, needs, goals, and personalities.

The Honeymoon is Over, Now What?

During the first three years of marriage, there are some general patterns of adjustment. The first six months of marriage, considered the "honeymoon phase," is characterized by few serious problems and a general sense of satisfaction. At about six to twelve months, however, optimism fades into realism due to differences of opinion, financial obligations, bad habits, or boredom.

From about 12 to 36 months of marriage, there may be a short period of disillusionment when your "knight in shining armor" seems to have lost his shine or your "maiden fair" has been less than fair. Challenges for time or money, childbearing, or sexual adjustment require new coping strategies. Children can further complicate the adjustment process. During months 18 to 36, couples begin to get accustomed to life together. Couples who cannot accept or improve their quality of life together break up. Those couples who remain committed to building a strong marriage have a realistic view of what it takes to be successful.

Components of a Strong and Satisfying Marriage

Strong marriages are the result of efforts by both spouses to make the marriage work. Information gathered from spouses who had been married at least forty-five years revealed six keys to a successful, long-term marriage:

• consider mate as best friend
• like mate as a person
• see marriage as a long-term commitment
• see marriage as a sacred institution
• agree on goals
• laugh together frequently

Couple relationships that survive and continue to deepen are generally happy, always adjusting, and always under construction. Marriage has both highs and lows, and accepting this as "normal" will help the couple have more realistic expectations.

A strong marriage provides companionship, interpersonal closeness, emotional fulfillment, and support that acts as a buffer against physical and emotional affliction. Marriage should enrich the love between a man and woman, and evolves through the foundations of friendship, a meaningful sexual relationship, mutual respect, trust, and compassion.

Strategies for Building a Strong Marriage

Strong marriages do not happen quickly or easily. Building a strong marriage takes time, effort, and commitment. There are several strategies you can exercise in building your marriage.

• Commitment. Commitment brings vitality to the marriage relationship. If either spouse entertains the idea of escaping the marriage through divorce, the marriage is in jeopardy. Commitment provides a foundation as a couple works through obstacles and trying times.
• Trust. The foundations of trust include mutual respect for one another and acceptance of differences. Trust between two people takes time to develop. It is closely tied to integrity. Follow through with what you say you will do. Be the person you claim to be.
• Communication. Communication is essential to a satisfying marriage. Learn to share thoughts, feelings, positive feedback, and expressions of appreciation. Self-disclosure can be risky because you make yourself vulnerable, but the rewards are greater than the risk. Set aside some time each day for meaningful conversation. Learn to listen—what is your partner really saying?
• Conflict. If it is managed in a way that is mutually satisfying to both partners, conflict can be healthy for a marriage. The outcome of resolved conflict may bring a new understanding and more satisfaction to a marriage. Central to resolving conflict is learning to forgive one another.
• Skills. Take the initiative to develop good skills in communication, self-understanding, decision-making, managing conflict, as well as functional skills such as home repair and money management. Participate in educational offerings from your local county Extension and other community programs. If you prefer self-study, check out your local library resources.
• Caring. Part of loving your spouse involves caring for his or her needs. In a marriage relationship, meeting your spouse's needs should be just as important as meeting your own.
• Affection. Demonstrating affection for one another can positively impact the quality of the marital relationship. It is important that couples discuss with each other their ideas on sexual relations and showing love to one another.
• Expectations. Set realistic expectations. We cannot expect our spouse to provide for every need that we have. Continually readjust your individual and mutual expectations.
• Priority. No relationship can grow without time and effort. Be willing to work together to develop a mutually satisfying relationship. Set aside time and money to work on your marriage, whether it involves communicating, taking a vacation, or participating in a marriage enrichment seminar. Balance your time demands so that you give your marriage your best instead of your "left-over" time.

Remember that a happy, healthy marriage takes the commitment of both spouses. Change and growth are part of a healthy marriage. Always search for additional ways to renew and enrich your relationship—your marriage depends on it!

References

Eshleman, J.R. (1994). The Family: An Introduction. Boston: Allyn and Bacon.

Lingren, H.G. (1996, July). Strengthening the Couple Relationship. Retrieved March 13, 2001 from the World Wide Web: http://www.ianr.unl.edu/pubs/family/g986.htm

Silliman, B. (1998). Patterns of Adjustment/First Three Years. Marriage Enrichment & Domestic Violence Information. Retrieved March 13, 2001 from the World Wide Web: http://www.uwyo.edu/ag/ces/FAMILY/BEN/Marriage/STAGES /stagepatterns.htm

For more information, visit the Human Development and Family Life website at: http://www.hec.ohio-state.edu/famlife/

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