Melinda J. Hill
Parents struggle with the appropriate ways to deal with the misbehavior of a child. When all of the efforts have produced little results, what is the next step?
Experts suggest that there are three areas that need to be examined, before further action is taken.
Ask yourself:
Children have their own temperaments, personalities and individual ways of reacting to authority. When rules and limits are placed upon children they may test the rules to the limit to find out how far their independence can go. The expectations set for them by parents may be too strict or too lenient and the children may resort to misbehavior to gain the attention not gained when behavior is good or as normally expected.
Toddlers begin the journey to independence with the establishment of the word "no." Pre-schoolers and school-age children seek limits by testing what authority will allow and what they can get away with. A certain amount of defiance is expected, and healthy, as children establish their own independence.
Each situation will differ in terms of circumstances, personalities and responsibilities.
Parents sometimes have a tendency to compare children with their siblings and peers. Consider each child's growth and development and then ask yourself, "Is this child capable of behaving the way I want?" Have you seen him or her exhibit the manner of behavior you are seeking? Could there be a medical reason that the child can't reach your expectations? Or could there be other reasons that the misbehavior is occurring (a new baby, a move, or a divorce)? Stress in a child might surface as a behavior problem to achieve the attention he or she doesn't receive when acting appropriately.
All family members old enough to participate can be involved in establishing home rules and consequences for violation of the rules. Holding family meetings to establish and regularly review and "update" rules is effective and helps to keep all family members informed and involved. Be sure to share these rules with others providing care to your children (relatives, care givers, etc.) so they will also know what the expectations are and actions they should take when children misbehave.
Many times we speak before we think and make demands that we can't follow through with.
"If you cut your toes off with the lawn mower, don't come running to me."
"If you don't clean up the dishes, you won't have dinner for a month."
Don't say something that you can't follow through with. Think about the consequence of certain behaviors before expressing them. Also consider if and how you will be able to administer the consequence. Follow through your command with immediate consequences or rewards for the child's behavior.
Confronting the behavior, when it occurs, giving the reason it is not acceptable, and following through with the consequence on a consistent basis is the most effective way to change the misbehavior. If we are not consistent, in disciplining a child, the child will believe it is all right to act this way sometimes, and continue the misbehavior on occasion.
Give commands in a firm controlled voice and with an authoritative manner. Don't make it a game for the child to guess if you mean it or not.
Make eye contact with the child before a command is issued. Yelling from across the room will not be effective.
Don't ask the child to follow a command. Remind the child that you expect him or her to behave in certain ways. Explain what behavior is acceptable and what is not acceptable and what the consequences will be.
Stick to your guns. Don't get talked out of your feelings or your reasons for issuing the command and don't let the child wear you down.
Even when you have tried everything, having the right attitude will increase the child's self-esteem and offer the limits in a loving way. Chances are that if the behavior worsens, the modification is working. You are tightening the reins and they feel threatened. It will get better with consistent application.
If prolonged or acutely severe behavior problems continue to exist after recommended intervention is attempted, then professional help is advised. Determine what services are available in your community through the school system, mental health centers, support groups, etc. Take advantage of services appropriate for your needs.
Caraway, Mitch. (1993) "Dealing With Children With Special Needs." Inservice presented at Northeast District, Ohio State University Extension, Wooster, Ohio.
Parker, Harvey C. (1994) ADD Hyperactivity Workbook For Parents, Teachers, and Kids. Florida: Impact Publications, Inc.
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