Ohio State University Fact Sheet

Family Life Month Packet 1999

Family and Consumer Sciences

Campbell Hall 1787 Neil Avenue Columbus, Ohio 43210

Fact Sheet

Positive Family Communication

FLM-FS-2-99

Doris I. Herringshaw, Extension Agent, Family and Consumer Sciences, Wood County

Parent and child relationships rely on positive and continuous communications. Communications should show true concern between the child and adult and promote understanding and respect. Positive parent-child communications serve as a model for children to apply to other relationships.

Keeping communications open begins in the early stages of life. Babies react to voices, interacting with smiles and coos. Young children like to tell you every detail of every story. They share their fantasies and experiences, and ask thousands of questions.

To give children proper guidance, a parent must be knowledgeable about what is happening in their children's lives. As a parent, it is important to know your children's friends and what they do in their spare time. Talking to your child about a favorite school subject or a sport can be an easy way to begin building a relationship. These conversations help to build respect, trust, and a caring atmosphere between the adult and child.

Starting conversations at an early age will get children in the habit of talking to adults and provide clues when something is bothering the child. If you have established good communication skills, have patience and trust your children will be able to approach and discuss their problems and concerns.

Conversations with children can be misinterpreted by your tone of voice and nonverbal expression. The object of conversation is to know more about the child. This information should help provide appropriate guidance. Ongoing conversations encourage the child to be comfortable in talking to you about important issues, concerns, and problems.

As children enter adolescence, it may be more difficult to involve them in a conversation of substance. Mass media including television becomes an important part of a child's life. It is reported that by the age of 16, the average adolescent views approximately 35 hours of television programming per week. They have seen 200,000 acts of violence, 33,000 of which are murders or attempted murders. Adolescents can become more interested in their peers and the wider world than communicating with family.

The Art of Questioning

One way to get a child of any age to talk is to ask the right question. A closed-ended question usually calls for a yes or no answer and may cut off conversation. Some closed-ended questions ask the child to agree with the adult. "Don't you think that you should put that away?" These types of questions seem like an accusation. Open-ended questions, on the other hand, usually begin with where, when, what, who, which, or how. They tend to keep conversation going because they ask for information the parents want to know in order to learn more about a child's opinion, activity, or feeling. A good example of an open-ended question is "What did you like best about school today?"

If you are having difficulty thinking of questions for your child, these might help get your conversation started:

· What is your favorite book and why?

· If you were packing a picnic lunch, what would you pack?

· Is it all right to eat dessert first? Why or why not?

· What makes you happy?

· If a friend gets something new, do you expect something new too? Explain.

· What do you do when your stomach churns because you are nervous?

· Name three things you could do to keep our environment safe.

· If you found $5.00 what would you do with it?

Teen discussions may include such topics as:

· At what age should you be able to get a drivers license?

· Should there be time limits for adults and children on telephone calls or chat rooms? Why?

· Is it okay to lie? Why?

· What is your favorite color and why do you like it?

· What do you like best about your teacher?

· Grandma makes lots of great food. Which food is your favorite?

Other Suggestions

It can also be helpful to keep yourself surrounded with items that help facilitate the conversation. Keeping calendars with thought provoking questions close at hand, or books of questions or even cassette tapes may encourage communication.

Plan a special time each day to communicate with family members. Some days it may be challenging, but try to keep it as consistent as possible. Plan a strategy for communicating. Parents often spend a lot of time transporting children to and from activities. Travel time may be ideal for conversation. The best time might be while waiting for the bus, before bed time, or while eating a meal. Each family can find an appropriate time. Helping children discuss situations and questions can help them be more effective at solving their own problems. As an adult, you can help children make good decisions.

Adults and children need to find a way to live with each other so that they can feel good about themselves and help those they love feel good about themselves too. Positive interactions between adults and children can serve as a model to show respect, caring, and sensitivity toward another's feelings.

Good communication skills last a lifetime. Being able to be effective with friends, co-workers, parents, mates, and one day with children of their own is a legacy parents can give to their children.

References

Dinkmeyer, D., & McKay, G. (1990). Parenting teenagers. Circle Pines, MN: American Guidance Service.

Faber, A., & Mazlish, E. (1982). How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. New York: Avon Books.

Essential demographics of today's college students. (1998). Journal of Family and Consumer Sciences.

Ohio State University Extension, OWLS Cluster. (1998). "Let's Talk." Family Conversation Starter Calendar.

St. James, E. (1997). Simplify your life with kids: 100 ways to make family life easier and more fun. Kansas City, MO: Andrew McMeel Publishing.

For more information, visit the Human Development and Family Life website at: http://www.hec.ohio-state.edu/famlife/